Losing my self concious

I feel so lost, so emotional, so negative. I don't know whats happening to mi. I feel like crying, screaming and even dying. Its so terrible. I don't know who i am anymore nor what i really want. I don't want to turn my back on the lord. All in my mind now is to take medication. So many times i over dosage myself a little but nothing happens. Over dosage of medication seems to be a rather nicer and beautiful way to die compared to the others but i don't want to be a lost spirit after i die or judged and sentenance to the pit of hell. I just wish and pray for the 2nd revelation to arrive and that i may be there to see it.

Sob Sob

2nd day of CNY and i got sick. Diarrhea in total around 15 times within 2 days. Had to go for a jab and take medication. Total no strength and miss out on so many new year goodies and fav food plus outings.

Do not know why but recently i just feel that the mood swings come and goes so often. What went wrong or what is going on with me. I am trying to control but it ain't easy. I really want to change for the better.

In addition, i just recieved my Sem 1 results. Kinda dissapointed. I was so confident and so hoping that by scoring well for the first sem can help to balance up the future sem which are getting more difficult to score. All i know is that i tried my very best and still for both subject, i only managed to score a "B". Now i fear so much for my Sem 2 results of which i do not have much confident. I just want to graduate and find a job according to my interest and have a good ncome to help upport my family. (T.T)

Shock and tired

Today i don't know why but i feel so tired. So restless. When i woke up, i saw one black things hopping across the ouside of my parents bedroom. Kuromi actually manage to climb out of the tank and expierence freedom for that little while.

Brought grandma to TTSH for her medical check-up and also clara cause no one send her to sch so she had a day off from sch. She seems weird cause she is less hyperactive but still likes to laugh out loud and giggle alot. Too loud for the hospital. Haha, so funny. After that went for lunch and head home to rest.

Took kuromi out and let her roam around the house and chelsea also. They seem fine in the beginning but suddenly chelsea was chasing kuromi around and kuromi actually can run faster then chelsea. Amazing. Kuromi then desided to hide in a small corner where Chelsea can't reach her. So smart of her. I immediately ran after them and took Kuromi into my arms and chase Chelsea back to the kitchen. I calm Kuromi by letting her lay in my arms and she lick my arms. So adorable. I will never let hem be together ever again. For safety reasons. Chelsea really gets jealous easily. Haha.

Busy weeks ahead. Haiz...pray for a smooth journey.

New Creation church

Went to new creation church today with deroy and his friends. The service is so much difference from a catholic service. After the service, i decided to go to the prayer room and seek help. I felt fear and uneasy...gradually i opened up and talked but cried and cried till pastor Darren have to come in to preach for me. The lady who talked and prayed fo me before pastor darren, i liked her....not in that kind of light, she let me cry in her arms and i felt so loved and comfortable. Thank you so much.

Today, D3 look so different. Though his clothing fashion has a little problem but most importantly is his character. Seriously someone needs to be with himwhen he goes shopping. It seems so hard for him to come with a decision...haha be it food or things.

So sorry D3, don't know why but recently am starting to have major mood swings that i don't know where or why i react this way. I really didn't mean it. You are precious and all worthwhile in my heart. Thank you for giving in to me, enduring mi, understanding me an trying to say lame jokes to cheer me up..and when i say lame, its really LAME and COLD (>.<) Still i love you. Try to train up ok. No needto be like 2003-04 that year but at least something that make you look strong and healthy. I may not be able to adapt to your lifestyle but i will try my very best.

Can i don't be the woman behind a successful mn's back but the women beside the sucessful man. Please do things with consideratios for the future k. Let go, let GOD, recieve Jesus but still work for the prosperous future u seek. For all your loved ones. Most importantly, mst remember to communicate with us k. Communication is the to solutions.

Today also managed to take a photo with Carebe (he is so adorable), he is always so fierce but never attaks and i got snap again by Bebe, they still don'treally know me but they treat some family membes also the same with growls and flashing their sharp teeth. Ifnot they just simple ignore you. Next time sure take more photos with them.

New family member

Today a new family member added to my family. Chelsea my JRT, Mao Mao my syrian hamster and the newest of all...Kuromi my drawf rabbit (Still not sure male or female but is fully black with a white snowy nose....no longer "bai tu" is "hei tu" le..hahaha). Kuromi was love at first sight for both mum and me. She actually asked me to buy kuromi....so shocked..she never offered to by a pet for mi...this is the first time an i'm really shocked. She just wants me to be happy i guess.

Haiz...so worried for my finance. I feel so willing to spend on my pets and restrict from shopping so much le. Really love them alot. Really pray to get a job that is related to my course of study and a good pay. Don't ask for much, something to live average on with.

Secondly very worried for my friend, she is so stress and i worry for her. I don't want her to fall into depression like me. Its not easy and its an extra burden. So try to relax k.

Finally recovered

Woah...finally recovered after so long from the cough and all. Can finally snack on stuffs and drink cold and chilling water le. Yippee....

Thank you to those for showing concern to me about everything. I really apreciate it and i will try my best to recover from my depression. Thank you for the care and support.

Gal, please dun keep everything to yourself, must open up k. We all care for you, don't dwell by yourself, we all worry for you and will stand by your side k.

New Mp4

Weeeeee.....finally got a new Mp4 after so long and really it's cool, slim and light. Sony walkman sound system is really good. Price is also very reasonable for a 8G player. Music, picture, radio and songs...just all i need.

Still having some problems with my depression but i don't want to let my doc and mum know. Don't want to spend so much money and worry my mum but sometimes i just can't control. Haiz. All i can do is just cry and cry all my heart out and sleep, forgetting about it the next day. Always happens when I'm in crowded area, i want to be home cause it seems so stressed. Then when i'm home alone, i feel scared and lonely and i cry too. What should i do.....

Today taught the little girl, she just try to take things from my bag again, refuse to do homework, walk on the table in front of me, stepping on all her assessment books and crossing over my drinking water. The brother scrap ice from the freezer and threw at me, anyhow scribble on her assessment book and took my stuffs and place it in the sister's bag. Haiz i really give up le. What to do.

New Term

Term 3 is so not easy. Very stressed out with it cause no matter what the teacher say, i just can't seem to get it. Our textbooks are on UK context and he decided to teach Singapore context. However all assignments and exam are of UK context. Haiz...i just pray that i will slowly get to understand in the subsequent lessons ba.

What happen to all the people surrounding me? Where did they go. I feel so left out again, by my friends and family. Everyone have their life i understand but i just don't like the feeling of being loney. However neither do i want strange guys to approach me so *sosh* leave me alone if u are a strange guy.

I guess once we grow up, things change, life changes. People and friends have their own issues and things to settle, but doesn't friendship mean anything? Am i such a lousy person? Being condammed and nicknamed for so many things.

Sometimes i just feel like breaking down and cry out of the sudden. I feel so cramp up within myself, sometimes it seems so hard to breathe. I fear for my thoughts whenever it comes. Still learning to overcome so many things in life and spirit.

Praise to the Lord

God i thank you for all that you have given me. I recieve everything with thanks. Thank you for giving me a blessed life partner who understands my condition and love me whole heartedly, always there to protect me and explain your blessings to me. Thank you for answering my prayers. He is everything i wish for.

I'm really sorry that i have been so selfish. I know they care for me and wish to give me happiness but still i have choosen not to hurt them by not going into a loveless relationship.

Did i do wrong? If i had accepted them, i will not be happy and in the end both parties will not be happy. I don't want to hurt them in anyway thats y i did not accept them. This way the depth of pain will not be so deep. Isn't it best that way?

I did not lie. Yes i said before that i don't want a bf yet but i met him and emotions just flowed naturally. I know that they feel hurt cause i did not accept them but do i deserve to feel pain and guilty for their sadness?

I want to move on and fight for my own happiness. Everyone should do that. My pyschiarist said i have made improvements in my illness and this happiness came from this new relationship that i share. If "you" really treat me as a friend, please give me your support and blessings as i pay for you to find ur true happiness too.

So happy

It have been such a long time i ever felt so happy in my life and about anything. Thank you so much. The happiness is so over whelming that i don't know how to explain in words. Thank you so much for being there for mie and supporting me. Really apperciate it. ^^,

Came across this news, so sweet and interesting and shocking:


Two German children, six and seven, elope for Africa

Two childhood sweethearts, aged six and seven, eloped from Hanover in northern Germany on New Year's Eve, determined to tie the knot under the African sun, police said Monday.

The pair identified as Mika and Anna-Lena "are very much in love and decided to get married in Africa where it is warm, taking with them as a witness Anna-Lena's little sister, aged five," police spokesman Holger Jureczko told AFP.

The idea for the romantic trip began when Mika told the two girls about his recent holiday in Italy, while their families celebrated New Year's Eve together. "From this, the children began to make plans for the future," Jureczko said.

As the first dawn of 2009 broke, the trio started to put these plans into action, packing all the essentials for the journey, including "sunglasses, swimming trunks, a lilo, summer clothes and provisions."

While their parents slept, they left their house in the suburbs of Hanover, walked a kilometre (two-thirds of a mile) up the road to a tram stop from where they took a tram for the central station.

Waiting for a train to the airport, they aroused the attention of a guard who contacted police.
Two officers managed to convince the young lovers that they would struggle to get to Africa without money or a plane ticket.

As a consolation, the children were given a special tour of the police headquarters at Hanover station where they were especially taken with the detention cells.

Their relieved parents picked them up from the station, the spokesman said, adding: "They can still put their plan into action at a later date."

Depend on oneself and not on others

Still coughing and suffereing from cramps don't feel like eating too, feel as though i can't breathe properly. Like my body is not absorbing the oxygen even when i'm breathing...Don't really have the time to rest properly. Already visited the doc 4 times and cominf 2 times to my psy.

Everyone around mi all getting sick and it seems we are all hit with the same illness cause the medicine we are all getting are all the same. Friends and relative all down with virus.

I seriously can't believe anyone anymore. I feel too hurt to even bother or think what others think. I simply give up. I dun want to get hurt anymore and so i just want to depend on myself and no one else. I guess its gonna be difficult to convince me to trust again. So many things happened, irrating me, lying to me and so many more. I can't understand what this world have gotten into.