Losing my self concious

I feel so lost, so emotional, so negative. I don't know whats happening to mi. I feel like crying, screaming and even dying. Its so terrible. I don't know who i am anymore nor what i really want. I don't want to turn my back on the lord. All in my mind now is to take medication. So many times i over dosage myself a little but nothing happens. Over dosage of medication seems to be a rather nicer and beautiful way to die compared to the others but i don't want to be a lost spirit after i die or judged and sentenance to the pit of hell. I just wish and pray for the 2nd revelation to arrive and that i may be there to see it.